The Uncute Emotionale

Moving my blogging zone to DA

2007-06-15T09:46:00.000+08:00

I'm shifting all my blogging to my deviantart :)

This blog will be erm gathering dust. Too much trouble to maintain :p

Link --> http://kawaiikunaii.deviantart.com

Pants vs Bleach

2007-05-15T17:40:00.000+08:00

Here's some pictures of my poor sad pair of pants... Does anyone know how to remedy the problem? i can't find anymore thick khakis in sg =\

Any help would be greatly appreciated =\

He cried because of Her...

2007-05-13T22:03:00.000+08:00

I know you're reading this.

This is for you.

------------------------------------------------

He cried because of her.

At a park in the evening, I sat quietly by his side, listening to his story, the story of him and her…

His memory brought him back to the past as he began to tell me the story. They had met six months ago, in the class; they had fallen in love after four months of knowing each other. He recalled those days of happiness they had, dating each other; they were very intimate, kissing each other’s lips. He was anxious when she was ill; he worried when she was silent; his heart soared when she told him that she loved him, he was contented when she rested on his shoulder.

No scent could compare to the aroma of her hair; he loved that scent which was permeated her presence.

The past seemed so near and real that he paused when the memories got too overwhelming. Trying hard to control the tears flowing down from his eyes, he failed, turning his face away from me and hiding it under his cap, he wept.

He continued his story, telling me how important she was to him, beginning to question how life will be for him in the future since she had left him. Finally his emotions gave way, the walls that he had built around himself fell and he broke down in tears completely. He cried his heart out in sorrow and in pain, he mourned for his lost relationship.

Not holding himself back anymore, he cried out in agony for a long, long time…

I was stunned by his reaction; his tears broke my heart into pieces. Never had I ever seen a young man in tears like he was… Feeling hurt seeing him crying, I hugged him into my arm, gently tapping his shoulder, I said, “It’s alright, let the tears drain all your sorrow away, everything will soon be okay…”

That night after consoling him, I was sleepless, every moment I closed my eyes, the image of him crying appeared in my mind.

He had just turned 21 years old. Two days after his birthday, his heart was broken by a girl whom he loved crazily. A young man of 21 years old should be chasing his dreams and enjoying the admiration from young and pretty ladies, but for this poor young man, his dreams had been shattered.

I remembered a night long before he turned 21, he had told me over the phone, “I am lonely”. I prayed to God for His blessing to be upon this young man and at a worship session on a Sunday, he confided to me while blushing, with the words “I am falling in love,” smiling in joy and contentment.

In the days to come, he shared with me bits and pieces of his new relationship. I listened and gave him cheers and ideas in his journey but the journey was terminated halfway though.

He tripped and fell, was badly wounded and left to walk alone.

She has gone a ways from him, giving up without telling him why, and he was too engrossed in her, and always her that he lost his way without her.

This piece was written in the year 2004 by a friend, C.L

The guy in this story is still around.
And he’s still lost and searching…

Something in him died that day when his heart was broken, and he himself knows it, and he doesn’t know what to do or say...

He just misses her so much even to this day, though he knows... Some things are perhaps not meant to be.

Perhaps...

Ranting session

2007-05-09T09:29:00.000+08:00

This is going to be a new rant and this time I am in an all-fucking-pissed-off kind of mood.

Some of you might have seen me in real life with my favourite pair of dark brown khaki cargo pants wandering around Singapore. This pair of pants has been with me since last year and I've grown rather attached to it. It's heavy, it's durable and it's warm (will be good for my NZ trip), however this morning I have seen it in a different light, ok maybe the word light is wrong, let me rephrase.

I see it in a different colour.

It's now brown with orange spots on one leg. It's not dark orange, not orange but rather light orangey-brownish which stands out hideously.

I was supposed to wear this pair of pants out this morning and I was searching for it, I had hung it up on a clothes hanger thingie, placed it in the living room and I couldn't find it in the morning.

I found my pants in the washer, ok I was irritated but hey we all make mistakes it's fine that was what I was thinking, regarding whoever dumped my pants in the wash, then I saw the stain.

OMG! That totally blew my mind off. I was so fucking damn pissed off I just blew up on the spot, cursing "what the fuck happened? ~!&*^!^&%*@$"

That was my favourite pair of pants and hell whose clothes stained it freaking ORANGE!~

!#$%%^&*(

This might seem like a childish rant and stuff but you know something? I have only 2 pair of pants (one is very old and the other is my fav pair), oh yes, I do have a pair of jeans, so that makes 3.

OH GOD... WTF LAH

Bad stuff VS Good Stuff

2007-04-29T22:18:00.000+08:00

Interesting stuff I found out today, not in order of importance or relative to time when I discovered them..

Negative Stuff:

1. Meeting up for coffee can be the darnest hardest thing to do. *sigh*
2. C is in NZ now *sigh*
3. X is back with her ex-bf *sigh*
4. My new glasses are heavy AND expensive (ohhh poor wallet) *sigh*
5. Pencil Artists get no love *sigh*
6. When I'm free, everyone else is busy rofl.. *sigh*
7. J and BFL are doing it like rabbits *sigh*
8. I'm leaving for NZ in about a month's time (give or take a week or so) *sigh*
9. J's death anniversary is coming up *sigh*
10. I still have lots of drawings to scan *sigh*
11. Commissioned designs are still not completed (I'm working on them now) *sigh*
12. Feeling lonely *sigh*
13. F and A are missing/disappeared/quiet *worried*
14. I can't draw anything at all today! -_- *sigh*
15. My youth group members are all so darn young, I feel old.. *sigh*
16. Phones are hideously expensive (I can't afford it!) *sigh*
17. My wallet is pretty empty.. *sigh*

Man.... It's like a giant sigh happening today.. I'm feeling rather blue.

On the Plus side:

1. I think my sunglasses magnetic clip-ons are darn cool
2. Staring at the sun with said clip-ons is possible!
3. I had a nice laugh with some friends (R, A and E: Thanks guys) at my usual hangout, helped me forget some of the bad stuff (as above)
4. I cleaned 1/10 of my room (an achievement!), throwing roughly an entire big plastic bag of stuff.
5. Church was pretty interesting: Had a discussion about gods in general with some youth
6. Made some new frens on Deviantart, even if some of them are pretty odd but hey I'm pretty odd myself :p
7. Gonna watch a choir concert next sat
8. Was booked by godsis A next sunday rofl..

Ah well... Perhaps tml will be better :)

I can always hope! :D

Fast Post

2007-04-27T10:08:00.000+08:00

First thing:
I'm making a new pair of spectacles today... Let's hope I look good in them -_-

Others:
Collecting my laptop
Buying stationery
Prezzies

Last:
Oh my poor wallet...

Gift Art!

2007-04-25T10:21:00.000+08:00

Here we go :)

I copied over the piece from her webbie since I haven't seen her online as yet :p

Beautiful ain't it?

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Mood: Still smiley

Smiley Smiley!

2007-04-23T16:41:00.000+08:00

About 2 days ago, I recieved something from a fren that really made me feel a totally random sense of happiness.

I'm sure most of ya who are reading this are probably wondering what in the hell that thing was.

It's not a kiss, it's not a hug and no I didn't get a nookie. Bloody pervs

I recieved a gift art :)

Now that really made my day. I'll be pasting it up as soon as I recieve the soft copy from her :)

I'm so touched that I warranted a piece from her collection.. Aniwaes here's her website so that all of you can go take a look at.

http://3-o-clock.carnival-hour.net/

Her name's Alexiel and there's not a more talented person then hers truely! Behave!

Of course, none of the other artists I know have given me any gift art :p

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Mood: Smiley

Paperwork, Packing and Procrastinating

2007-04-19T08:50:00.000+08:00

For heaven’s sake…

I just wish there was an end to all the paper work that I have to do before I leave Singapore for New Zealand. There seems to be a never ending flow of stuff that I haven’t done or rather have been procrastinating.

For my packing, I’m still not done yet (or should I say, wtf am i supposed to bring -_-), does anyone have like a list of stuff that they are bringing to NZ? I’m totally lost as to what to bring.

List
1. Passport
2. Handphone (If I manage to get a new one)
3. Mp3 Player (if Point 2 does not come about)
4. Watch
5. Clothes (I can’t go naked can I? It’ll be winter too -_-)
6. Winter clothes (subdivided into what layers, you get the idea)
7. Some school texts and other study material (will be pretty useful when I need to refer)
8. Pens / Pencils / Copic Markers
9. Paper (For doodling purposes?)
10. Box file (For containing doodlings purpose)
11. Bible
12. My wooden + (If I ever get it painted and shaped to perfection)
13. A ring (Or the Master / Slave rings if possible *evil laugh)

Inserted
14. Medication (Thanks for reminding me, anonymous)
15. Of all things, I forgot my Laptop
16. Charger / Universal Adaptor (Thanks for reminding me, anonymous)

Sigh…

Then I’ve gotta separate these into categories such as “can bring on day itself” and “must send by parcel”. Considering the fact that once I land in NZ, it’ll be in the middle of winter…. Omg..

I think I’m jus soooo gonna love the weather there :)

I sure hope I didn’t forget anything though..

Sommelier

2007-04-13T10:43:00.000+08:00

I was watching this Japanese tv series with the title "Sommelier" loaned to me by Ro (Kudos to him ^^) and I came across this line in it.

Throughout our entire lives so far, are we all living a dream or are we living our dreams? Are there things that we regret happening in our lives that we fervently wish never had happened?

What are these things that run through our minds throughout the rest of our lives, what are these regrets? Why is it that these regrets will follow most of us to the grave?

I've always heard about stories of people who cannot leave past regrets behind, therefore forming "spirits" that hang around and not making the journey to the next life or whatever that awaits us after death.

Personally, I have lots of regrets, most of which stem from the same idea of "not being there"... Gwendolyn and Julie especially.. It's a lifelong regret that I will be carrying, for I was not there when they were leaving this life..

Other regrets include that of not pursuing my dream of becoming a anime/manga artist, turning down some ladies (who I still think would be better off without me mucking up their lives) and not being good enough to provide for my ex-girlfriends, not being stable or strong enough to show that I'm reliable to take care of them and myself.. Hahahaa...

Speaking of that, thanks to Je for the comment when she met me the first time, "you look unreliable", rofl, something that I will always remember.. Heh..

But the thing is that, would I wanna change anything that has happened so far? Perhaps.. Some of them perhaps, like the fact that I never did learn to dance (LOL) but that can be changed.

I mean, what have I done in my life so far? I do hope that I have made the lives of people around me brighter (a tad, i hope), making people smile and well.. feel that they are still "loved" in this world..

~(-_-)~

RPD - Random Post of the Day

2007-04-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

Random Post of the day:

Did you know that each time you drink a glass of cow's milk, you are absorbing the cow's genes? One day, humans might grow horns!

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P.S: I dun believe in this shit.

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Once more, I'm feeling rather blue funkish and well bemoaning to myself to do stuff that I should be doing but at the same time, procrastinating...

I've gotta do my deferment for National Service cos I won't be around in the next 1.5 years to take part in training or recall manning (This is probably gibberish to those who don't know Singapore)

Visa will be done on Tues with V and R, yeah, we're doing it all together (being in a group makes us feel more safe from the predatory looks of the Immigration department's females) and who knows, we might even be banned from accessing NZ!

Seriously, I have no idea what in heaven's name am I talking about right now so I'm going to end here and continue scanning my drawings..

Cheerios!

DeviantArt and Youtube

2007-04-02T11:23:00.000+08:00

I'm kinda proud of myself lately.

I've decided to step out of "hole of self-doodles" and step into the world of DeviantArt.. Heh...
Amazing part is that I've been on DA from 2004 and i've only pasted 1 piece. Now I'm currently scanning and posting pieces that I've done, both past and present..

So if you have the time, please take a look at my stuff and comment :) Either here or on my DA account, I welcome all criticisms (or as I hope, lack of) *guffaws*

Here's the link http://kawaiikunaii.deviantart.com It's also linked under Blogs :P

---------------------

On to more important things, I've saw this clip on Youtube, and I'm very very surprised at the stuff I've found there. There's 2 that really have caught my attention, one's a french advert and the other an mtv. I'll paste up the MTV one first...

A Conversation

2007-03-28T09:36:00.000+08:00

B says,
Hey brother, do you still have that book, by David Gemmel? I have a question in it that I wanna tell you in fact.

Paper Hearts; Torn Wings™ says:
Yeah I have it. Wat's the question?

B says,
Look at page 46. Got it?

Paper Hearts; Torn Wings™ says:
Ok I'm there.

B says,
It goes like this 'You give too much of yourself to her, my friend. You fill her with your dreams and your hopes, and your soul. If she leaves or betrays you, what will you have left?'

Paper Hearts; Torn Wings™ says:
Ah... ROFL... My answer is there in fact. 'Nothing.' Hahahaha...

B says,
You're such a fool dude. You always do this and you know the damn outcome so why?

Paper Hearts; Torn Wings™ says:
Cos I'm... still hoping.

B says,
Durned Fool.

This song lyrics

2007-03-27T12:00:00.000+08:00

This song lyrics just sums up how I feel after the conversation. Isn't it amazing that I've already had this song as a draft and ready for usage?

I drink good coffee every morning

Comes from a place that's far away

And when I'm done I feel like talking

Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy

What is closer to the truth

That if I lived till I was 102

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky

'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew

That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me

Your laughter's still ringing in my ears

I still find pieces of your presence here

Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner

'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do

Even though I may soon feel the touch of love

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived till I was 102

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

-Colin Hayes

---------------------------------------------------

Somehow, I think I'll never.

Boom! There she goes ;)

2007-03-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

Lalalaa... I've got the bombshell again >:D

C says:
dun waste time on me.

Knives in my Hands; Daggers in my Heart™ says:
you think too much! who would wanna waste time on you. Thick skin

C says:
the more i look at the situation, the more i think we shdnt be seeing each other.

Surprisingly, I'm actually smiling :)
I already knew that she was going to do something like this. Heh.. She always does this, when there is something happening between us then she'll do this.

I find it really endearing that she's actually afraid of me. *guffaws*
I've never ever made anyone afraid of me before. *wicked grin*

-------------

Remember what I said about me being more direct and blunt now? The next part of the conversation

Knives in my Hands; Daggers in my Heart™ says:
Aniwaes like I said, I'm a fren, I'm not gonna force you into anything at all. I'll be going off to NZ for 1.5 years, I DON"T want to place you in a difficult position.

So I'm saying don't worry about the situation, even if I find you so damn attractive but I know I'll be leaving soon, so I don't want to ask for anything at all.

oh wait, there's one thing I would like

A photo with you

C says:
no

So amazing. I spoke so much, she spoke so little, yet with so much meaning. *laughs*

Restraints

2007-03-27T08:44:00.000+08:00

Something's bothering me today and I can't place my finger on it.

What exactly is bothering me, it's hard to say. I feel as if I'm wading through quicksand; something's pulling me back; something inside of me that's preventing myself fro soaring.

Chains that hold me down, preventing me from soaring; Bindings that strain against the forces that are searching for a release.

I'm starting to get irritable, it does seem as if stying at home doing nothing is starting to get to me. I hate doing nothing, I hate just sitting there staring at the computor screen, but at the same time, I hate the idea of going out and wasting time wandering around without a good reason to or even "just to go out".

Games? Computor games?

There's only two games that hold my interest, one of which is BF2142, where I can jus run around carrying explosives and giving other humans a boost into the space race, and Dota, where I get to be a bad ass demon lord smacking things with a huge glowy sword and consuming random critters. However in these games, if you're not playing with a couple of frens, where's the fun in it?

No. I'm not playing WoW. I've also given my account to a fren, R, who keeps telling me that he's just borrowing it. Let's wait and see. ROFL.

Aniwaes here's my plan for the next few months, I'm gonna see if I can borrow any readings to do, then at least I won't be going over to NZ blind. :)

Looks like i'm gonna be trying to make myself a studyoholic again. Whee.. with guitars, mp3s and my drawings (both designs and anime)

Speaking of music, I was listening to some songs that are darn fun to jus throw my head back and jump wildly all over the place. It's quite stress-relieving in fact.

Truthfully, I can't believe I'm doing that. And yes it's in the privacy of my room, no way I'm doing it in public unless I have a fren who's willing to join me in doing that.

Who knows, I might further change in the upcoming future, Gothic Punk?

Who gives a shit anyway? :D

------------------
Not in order:
My Aims:
- Play a song with a guitar in less then 3 weeks
- Exercise every morning (so far so good)
- Get the "Master" and "Slave" rings (Find some way to get them)
- Photos with people I care about before I leave for NZ (That's quite a lot of people)
- Gifts for those I'm leaving behind (I'm feeling sad =\)

Another Favourite for my Song List!

2007-03-26T18:41:00.000+08:00

Natalie - Where Are You (with Justin Roman)

And I await patiently in the shadows...

For the rain to stop..

For the Sun to shine..

Finale

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Phlegmatic Temperament

2007-03-26T08:47:00.000+08:00

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

Steel Guitar Strings

2007-03-26T08:39:00.000+08:00

My fingers are starting to hurt.

I discovered that steel string guitars are well not known for their "pampering" of virgin fingers learning the chords.

Bah.. Even typing now hurts for my left hand, but like they said, "No Pain, No Gain"

After an arduous 3 hours worth of getting my chords right, I'm still not mastering it properly. There's still some weird "pangs" and "pings" in the way I test the chords, and well.. Hahhaaa.. I feel rather silly.

I mean why am I giving myself so much trouble just to learn a song.

Then a tiny voice inside my head goes, "You know why you are doing this. Stop bitching, you know you wanna do it."

Godamn. >:)

Saggitarius Frens (I bet I spelt it all wrong)

2007-03-25T22:51:00.000+08:00

I think J would have gotten a kick out of this.

You at times can seem cool, emotionally distant and unavailable, or disinterested in people, but this is only a mask. Inwardly, you are apt to feel unlovable, unworthy, or simply afraid to open up and share yourselves.

A fear of rejection inhibits your expression of love and affection, and it may seem to you that relationships are too troublesome and too painful to bother with. Security may become extremely important to you, so that you are apt to choose "safe", reliable people to be with – perhaps individuals who are older or more established and settled than you are.

Learning to be more playful, and to overcome your fears of intimacy and your tendency to isolate yourselves, are challenges in life that you have in common.

In one another, you may have found a wonderful friend who understands your shy heart and your loneliness.

You also have come across one who will mirror for you some of your own most difficult life lessons.

Like I said, I bet J would have gotten a kick out of this.

ROFL.

Different Day; Window-shopping

2007-03-24T08:28:00.000+08:00

Interestingly, it's like a totally different morning then usual.

The sky's downcast, the air's a bit cooler then usual, wind's pretty strong and yet... It's a feeling so different.

I wonder...

Could it be that I've got no more classes that's why I feel so free? Or is it due to something else? It's quite hard to say really, maybe cos i've decided to place everything down and let things take its natural course, without trying hard to make things turn out the way I want them to.

Just doing my best and letting the devil take the hindmost is my new motto; If it doesn's turn out the way I want it to, so be it; All I need to know is that I tried my best and the other things, that will lead to what I want the final outcome to be, are beyond my control.

Today's idea of a post would be of what I have planned for today; I'm going out to Orchard to do some window shopping (80% female? Heh.) on handphones, mp3 players, maybe a PSP and well rings (I wanna get MYSELF a ring >:D).

Speaking for rings, I came across this "Master" and "Slave" rings.. Damn interesting and fascinating.

Now I'm really wondering if I'm actually SM, considering that I like boots on the girls, of course from teenage and up (But truthfully, I like them on older women).

In addition to going to Orchard to window-shop with two frens, A and B (Yes they're real names begin with those alphabets), B is graciously loaning me his guitar :)

Woo hoo~ I'm gonna start strumming tonight! Angsty eMo Songs for the win!

The Part of Me that No One Sees..

2007-03-24T08:27:00.001+08:00

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.People feel like they really don't know the true you...Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.
Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself.It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose.You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

What's" the Part of You That No One Sees?

Moths

2007-03-23T23:20:00.000+08:00

I have to admit something.

I met C in Woodlands today after my visit to the doctor there.

Man.. What can I say?

I'm a moth. Drawn to a candle flame..

OMG

2007-03-23T10:03:00.000+08:00

OMG... Nuff Said..

Your Brain is 80% Female, 20% Male

Your brain leans female
You think with your heart, not your head
Sweet and considerate, you are a giver
But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Contemplation

2007-03-23T09:22:00.000+08:00

Good morning, another day in the making where I try to live it with hope.

I've got two things to speak about today. One of which is the C-issue :) and the other... I'll speak of it later.

I recieved a buzz from a fren asking if I still had "fweelings" for C, and yeah I still do... Just like a moth flying around a candle flame, knowing that it'll have a high chance of catching fire and yet drawn to that bright light...

Who can say why I'm doing this? Perhaps it's just to clear things up with the people that I know before I "expire", which leads me to the second topic.

I'm gonna be collecting my medical reports this afternoon, hopefully there's nothing else wrong with me beyond the ones that I already know of, that of going to "expire" in a few decades time (Which I am still trying not to believe in) and that my lungs are totally shot.

Let's see what I'll find out today in that report. Perhaps that I've got some blood disease maybe? I dunno... I can just imagine with my type of luck, I'll probably hear this.

"Mr Benjamin, I've got bad news for you, you have high cholestrol... Oh sorry this is the wrong report, you actually have HIV, we seem to have stuck you with an infected needle."

Dum dum dum duuuuum...

Flop (Yes / No)

2007-03-22T22:33:00.000+08:00

Today's "date" was interesting... interestingly flopped on its face that is.

I don't know why but I felt so tongue-tied when I saw her today. It's like I have no idea what to say to her or even to do. Hahhaa... There goes my vow to be myself in front of her; it didn't work.

I probably can blame everything else around me for today's flop such as; Delifrance having too big a table causing a few "huhs?" from both sides when speaking across it; Toa Payoh and Orchard being noise- and people-polluted respectively, making it even harder to speak and to hear; On the idea of having to be somewhere at a set time; being very tired on both sides and well timing.

We actually met from 2pm (She was late, something to do with housing agents) to 415pm and which she had to go do something else (Can't say what it is) then she called me up at 6 asking me where I was (She wanted to meet me after), and when she found out I was at Thomson, she asked me to have a good rest and we can always meet another day.

I have to say, it was pretty much an inbetween sort of feeling I was having during the period I met her.

Both a sense of silly euphoria and pain (as foretold) permeated my mind; Watching her trying to balance on her high heels was rather hilarious; Having her place her hand on my shoulder to steady herself while getting the strap of her high heel back on was sadly nostalgic, Her scolding me for walking so fast when she can't totter as quick as I can made me smile; Refusing with a smile my offer to steady her with my arm was a riot of emotions; And her smile just threw me off guard a few times when I found myself jus looking at her (almost staring I have to say)

Damn.

I wouldn't say I have a physical attraction to her, I just wanna be there for and to look after her always.. And to just keep holding her hand..

Oh did I mention? I found her new short haircut so totally cute!

I'm screwed.. I really am.

Very very short story

2007-03-22T10:42:00.000+08:00

"It's hard being so sought after... See me again next week"

Flinging her hair over her shoulder, her smoldering eyes follow you as she saunters her way to the door.

"Buh-bye little boy"

Click.

Anticlimax

2007-03-22T09:55:00.000+08:00

What an anti-climax.

After agonizing and verbalising it on my blog, all my thoughts are for naught.

I just called C and asked about confirmation about meeting up, and she asked if we could meet somewhere else. Hahahaa... Now I feel kinda wasted about the agonizing part.

Best part, she'll be the one deciding about where to go that sort of thing. Hahahaa.. I told her off, cos she did ask me to decide on where to meet and eat, and etc. Now, she's in charge.

Bah.

I want to be in charge. ROFL.

Lunch Time "Date(?)"

2007-03-22T08:29:00.000+08:00

Here's a little short post regarding my feelings regarding this day, I'll be meeting an ex, C, later for lunch in the central area of Singapore.

As one would expect, I'm nervous; Thoughts ran through my head about where I should bring her to; What should we eat; Would I do anything stupid; What should I bring her to do later; What should I wear that sort of thing.

Man.. I'm nervous.

I'm hoping I won't come across like a total dweeb or lost puppy looking for someone, I deeply deeply hope that I will be able to be myself in front of her. She makes me go crazy just by looking at me, it's totally irrational!

I'm a level-headed student who is not fazed by weird stuff happening in my immediate vicinity (well almost never) but whenever she looks at me and smiles, my heart will skip a beat and my stomach will flip head-over-heels.

God... It's totally IRRATIONAL.

And as I think more and more about today, I'm besieged with questions like, should I try to impress her by bringing her to some posh restaurant or bring her to some normal restaurant? What if she doesn't like it and my standing with her will drop if I bring her to a normal restaurant? What if I bring her to some place that she doesn't like?

What about window-shopping? The clothes that she likes, what are they? Where would be a good place to bring her to walk around at? Is there a place where we can sit and chat? What if she doesn't wanna sit and would rather walk about?

Hahhaa... I'm totally silly I know.

Things weren't as complicated as this when we were younger. Sigh...

I did notice one thing, I'm being overly worried and totally wishy-washy, if I keep worrying about such things, it'll never turn out the way I would like it to, so i'm jus going to let it take place on its own.

I'm gonna decide on the place to eat and that's all, the rest will come naturally and if I make any mistakes in the decisions regarding today, then so be it. Why should I wanna care so much about my standing with her, I think the best is to ignore it and just be myself in her presence, cos if it were otherwise, I won't be me. She might not think I'm "old-enough" or rather more "stable", but that's her own thoughts, and I respect both her strong personality and mind, even sometimes to my own detriment.

I don't want to be remembered as someone else (that I'm pretending to be) but rather to show my own personality.

If I don't manage to impress her then so be it, I should not be out to impress anyone, I should only impress myself. I wanna look myself in the mirror and tell myself that "Ben, keep trying, everyday's a new day. Hope."

Totally weird.

-----------------------------------------------

Oh yeah, I took a look at my friendster profile's daily horoscope (That thing is pretty scary really), and this is what it says,

Sagittarius
Hold out a little longer before asking for help. You can definitely deal with this!

Well, well, well, here we go then. :D

Weird things about me

2007-03-22T08:25:00.000+08:00

I found out I'm supposed to be writing 6 weird things about myself.

Now this is kinda hard. Heh..
I'm already so totally weird, I don't know where to begin.

Take it from me, I'm weird as it is. >:D
For example, I really like boots (the female kind)

There, I've escaped from a very embarassing moment.

Yes I'm cheating.

Spring Waltz

2007-03-21T12:15:00.000+08:00

"If you truly love him….if you genuinely miss him, someday you can meet and love him again…. Just like us playing a hide and seek during our childhood days,…. no matter how deep he hides himself from the world, and disappear from my sight, he who hides shall be somewhere out there…..always be waiting for me, the tagger. Regardless of how often failing to catch or missing each other’s ways, at the end of the day, your most earnest desire and prayer shall lead you to him……only to meet and love again."

- Excerpts from Eun-young’s narration, Episode 1 of Spring Waltz -

Am I a Fool?

2007-03-06T08:44:00.000+08:00

Am I a fool?

Sooner or later in life, I really suspect I'm going to find this out to my sorrow.

It's like, you know that it's bad for you and yet you keep doing the same thing again and again, in the hopes of it not being true. You get what I mean?

Take it akin to eating fried stuff when you're having a sore throat, you obviously know it's bad for your throat and yet you can't help but salivate at the thought of fried food (I'm assuming a lot here) and thus you consume it but quietly (or subconciously) hoping that it won't affect your throat any further.

That was kind of a twisted explanation :)

Ooooooh, a friend told me that I'm was kind of like a "pushover", another thing to ponder about for the next few days, a post will come out to address this issue.

Much Ado About Nothing

2007-03-02T22:04:00.000+08:00

A random thought came across me today while I was reading some notes for my exam tomorrow.

What am I fanatic about?

I dun seem to have anything that I’m like totally into, unlike some other people around me. For example, I know some guys who are fanatical about computer games, console games and so on. Others are very er interested in porn, while there are others who are interested in model making.

Just to be a bit more specific;

E is really into his love of filming and making movies (well at least to me, he seems very into it).

B is very interested in tabletop gaming and er food :p

C is just totally into spas and travel

J is into Korean dramas and cats

A is into design and tagging.

Hmmm.. Since I’m at this point so far, I jus thought of this, is a hobby counted as something that you’re fanatical about? I mean I draw, but I’m not as crazy about it I used to be. Neither am I really totally into gaming.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but yeah I’ve stopped WoW indefinitely and am contemplating of either giving away or selling my account. In addition, I was asked to go VID to play about 5 hours of gaming but I was like rather disinterested all the way to the day itself, which in the end, I DID go but not for the game, but rather cos since I’ve said I’ll be going.

Even reading books is not really catching up into my head. B passed me a book and I finished it in about 2 hours but still…

I felt bored. Hideously bored.

I’ve even went to try making studying my fanatic enjoyment but I keep falling asleep over my texts :) so I guess that doesn’t work. Hahhaa…

I went out for a short while and felt so aimless, as if I was drifting through the places I was walking through, plus it started raining.

Perhaps I’m just bored.

Yeah..

Probably.

Warhammer 40k

2007-03-01T09:22:00.000+08:00

Lately I’m been reading a series of books on the Warhammer 40k storyline and it’s been interesting to see how religion and fanaticism can make a compelling, intriguing and mind-boggling read.

Perhaps it’s due to the fact that in Singapore, we’re taught and brought up to be tolerant of all races and beliefs. It’s like the Crusades in the Middle Ages again, where the Moslems and Christians carved each other into small little bits under the blazing sun of the Middle East (I hope I got the names and places right. Please correct me if I’m wrong).

However this storyline takes place on a grander scale, universa-style, with more er… blood and gore, yet at the same time, with courage, with fear and anticipation, with pain and joy and of all, hidden strengths, honour and renewed faiths.

It’s amazing that these books were imagined, written and printed, and that the writers actually came up with such a fictional universe on such a grand scale and undertaking.

Most girls probably would be put off by the comments I’ve made so far regarding this books. Heh ;)

But the thing regarding this book is not about the fancies of romance, of knights in shining armour or of helpless princesses in castle towers waiting to be rescued.

It’s about stark, simple survival in a dangerous universe, where even women are drafted into war and guess what, they can kick any man’s ass. Again, I restate, it’s about survival, but rather about a single person’s fight for survival, it’s more of a species’ fight for survival, albeit taken the wrong way (at least that’s wat I feel personally)

Honestly, I do not know how to explain it.

It just feels wrong that a universe can consist of nothing but war.

Just a feeling…

Damn I’m still a romantic.

Linguistic Capabilities

2007-03-01T09:21:00.001+08:00

The urge to write something has come upon me with a sudden whoosh of sound and bright explosions in my head.

Instead of placing my time more importantly on items such as studying or reading up for my exam for that matter. >:D

Aniwaes, I’ve been noticing lately that I’m using a lot of vulgarities in my usual speech, notably punctuated with lines such as “fuck you” and “Bastard” that sort of thing. I think I’ve finally succumbed to urge to reinstate my comments with lots of ‘add-ons’ and to show my seriousness (Or lack of it for that matter).

Is this a part of me that’s always been there but I’ve been keeping it down, under bolt and key, but which has always been waiting to be let out? Or is it something that I’ve recently added into my brain waves, allowing me to freely use such vile imprecations into my daily speech?

It’s kinda infuriating when it’s something that one cannot understand how it came about and yet feel so comfortable with doing such things. It’s like I know it’s bad and should not be used in polite company but I notice that I’m feeling rather comfortable in using such language.

Whew! That took a while to, like, place out in written form. I hate writing, it’s just takes up too much time, y’know *acts himbotic*

I’m getting a bit apprehensive of myself. Whee!

Oh btw, I just told a friend on sms that “I hate you, bitch”

Now for the next post.. In 5 minutes.

Superheroes ;)

2007-02-27T07:33:00.000+08:00

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		60%
Superman		50%
Batman		50%
Robin		50%
Hulk		50%
Green Lantern		50%
Catwoman		50%
The Flash		35%
Iron Man		35%
Supergirl		20%
Wonder Woman		20%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Family Reputation

2007-02-26T18:52:00.000+08:00

Another thought that was bothering me for weeks was the idea of the family reputation.

I discovered that my family's 'reputation' as it were, seems to build 'barriers' for many people in approaching me. There always seems to be like a reservation that others have when they know about my family background.

There are a few examples.

One was,and still is, whenever people meet me, they hold that shining torch in my face and exclaim "Oh! You're that person's son!" Silently they assume that "Omg we must be really tactful and careful around you"

There was this girl that told me that she needed time to think about our relationship, and that she wanted our relationship to be 'blessed' by my family and personally I felt that she was afraid that it would not happen and perhaps never.

Why can't it be about me just for once? And not about anything else but me!

I'm coming across as exceedingly whiney and self-centred in my blog recently and I know it.

Joy.

Wheee

2007-02-26T18:49:00.001+08:00

Sagittarius
Today, speak up if you're feeling like a doormat. Demand the respect you deserve.

A friendster Daily Horoscope

2007-02-25T08:52:00.000+08:00

I don't believe in such things but this seems rather good.

"Sagittarius
There's no going back on this endeavor. Keep a positive attitude."

Sigh

Another short story postie

2007-02-22T10:18:00.000+08:00

He made his way through the mass of people, wondering where and what was he doing in this city.

He was searching.

For something.

He wandered through the main streets, the shopping malls, the business district and through residential areas; yet he did not find what he was searching for.

Days pass into weeks...

Into months...

Into years...

An old spent man still wanders the streets, seeking something, never stopping, ever searching...

...

...

...

...

He finds it in an alleyway; a dead end; And there he lay down to sleep the endless sleep.

Finally.

Gravestones

2007-02-18T18:24:00.000+08:00

I was at the graveyard visiting my grandparent's graves today and I had a thought.

I noticed that after so many years, there was this grave close by to my grandmother's one and it listed both a woman and her unborn child. It has been the same for all these years; no change, no flowers, no cleaning, no one visiting and broken angels.

Alright benefit of doubt, maybe I just didn't manage to see the family members or husband visiting of course.

But wat struck my mind was this, is this how my tombstone will be like in the future? Where no one comes to visit or place flowers?

This lady seems to have died in childbirth and where is the husband? I'm assuming there was a husband cos the child's surname was different from the lady's. I prolly am thinking too much and seeing too much into it, it's a total stranger's tomb after all.

But there's this sense of sadness in this scene where she's not 'remembered' as it were. What was she like? Did she like roses? Was she fair-skinned? Who did the child resemble?

I then wonder to myself, would I be remembered? What would I be recalled as? Do I want to be remembered as "so-and-so's son" or rather as my own person? What would people say at my funeral? Would people visit my grave? Do I even want people to visit my grave?

I also had a conversation with a fren about death (about the type that you cannot prevent, we weren't talking about suicide here); we discussed this and Jj said that it was better to go early then later.

Reasoning?

"Cos in the future, we won't know what we will become. I might become more screwed up then I am right now."

I found that rather intriguing, listening to that line.

*Ponders on my future demise*

2007-02-15T21:25:00.000+08:00

Once again, I was looking through some old saved conversations from my msn (Nah I dun save them anymore, it's sometimes not good to be reminded of past things ya know) and I reread this line,

"Ben, after your relationship with X and C, you've changed a lot, you don't seem to hold much stock with relationships anymore and what's more, it seems that something in you has 'died' and it's a shame that it's no longer there. You don't smile that unguarded smile anymore, you're more cautious and don't offer that much of yourself to people around you anymore. You're distant. You were distant before but not to the people that you know, but now you're much more distant as if you do not want to take part in anything that happens too closely for in fear of getting hurt."

That's true. I've actually more guarded with my heart and feelings after those relationships. I'm more careful and I dun go opening my arms wide to everyone that I meet. It's like... I dun want to go through the same pain and feelings of suicide(?) and absolute rejection again.

However I still fall in love.

Here's the other half of the message.

"Surprisingly, you're still a bit innocent and naive though. I hope you'll find that special someone one day and not dwell upon the past anymore. I'm sure Gwen will want it that way too."

Hahha... I never learn. It's like what I said in a previous post. I still believe in love. I still hope that one day... Yes, one day... I'll be able to find my other half, with Gwen's blessings.

And yes, my wait is almost over.

Conundrum

2007-02-15T11:06:00.000+08:00

I know the thing that you think I do not know.

The thing is, do u know that in fact I know?

------------

I'm hanging on to hope. Just a little longer :)

2007-02-14T09:35:00.000+08:00

Being placed on hold for a week is interestingly long and extremely slow. Of course with the added feeling of being ignored and rejected is also in the mix.

It's like back when I was with C, when she jus called me and sms when she wanted to, and I'll be placed on hold just because of her work.

Alright I know that work = busy and all, but does it take that much time just to sms out or even a short call? It'll be nice to hear that everything's fine and that well *grin* that that person still cares for you.

Aniwaes I just found out the feeling of hearing someone's voice change in tone, and how much it actually hurts to hear that change in tone like as if she did not expect or wanted to be hear me.

Karma? Perhaps.

*Wry smile* And I'm thinking in my head more and more... Is this what I'm really looking for? What if everything was a lie? What if it was done just to spare my feelings?

Perhaps I'm thinking too much, but I've been hurt so many times before. And during those instances, I'm hoping that it won't go down the path that I don't want it to go to, but I've always been disappointed.

I still believe in love, the sentimental and romantic fool that I am.

I'm hanging on to hope. Just a little longer :)

- Silence -

2007-02-11T20:48:00.000+08:00

How do I put this?

I'm lethargic.. Totally.

I wanna go out and have fun, but I'm too... low in morale to go out and have fun. It's like I have nothing to do and what I wanna do, requires a bit more people in order for it to actually become something that I wanna do.

Sounds convulated I personally feel but that's how I'm feeling inside now.
I wanna leave everything behind and start afresh. I find that the people I know are not like the ones I can really click with (Well most of them aniwaes) and those that I can REALLY click with are no longer here in Singapore or even in this world.

I miss my godsister, who was always there for me (So was I in case you're wondering if I'm self-centred), who could make me smile just by being there. I miss the way she'll bug me regarding my work, and the words she uses when she's exasperated with me. Plus the way she'll clonk me on the head saying "OMGawd Ben wake up, stop being such a depressive maniac, it's daaaaaaaaamn infectious!"

Or

"Duuuuuuuuuuuh"

I can still recall that sound hahaa..

Somehow or another, it's... pretty "sad" (for lack of a better term) that she ain't around anymore.

It's a totally platonic relationship that I had with her, it was interesting that nothing came about in it; it was just.. "companions" would be a better word to use.

Someone told me this sometime back, that I prolly was in love, and just didn't realise it. Looking back, I find it realli hilarious. I can't imagine both of us being together, it was like imagining a piranha with a snake. Hahaha...

-Silence-

It's so quiet...
Damn I miss you, J.S.H

Hai Neko-sama....

2007-02-09T08:47:00.000+08:00

I had an interesting run in a few nights ago.

I took a cab ride with D from school and he dropped me off the bus-stop near his place, and while i was waiting for my bus, a young tomcat came by and jumped up beside me.

"meow meow meoooow"

Oh yeah for those that dun understand cat-speak, he was tell me this

Translation: "Pat me you bitch"

Being the obedient Singaporean that I am, I obeyed the young master's commands, which led to him promptly climbing into my lap and falling asleep.

All I could think of in my head was "Damn I attract males"

----

A day prior to this, I met this cleaner at a hawker centre who started gyrating his hips when he was cleaning my table, while giving me a wide wide smile...

I'm sorry, no offence, but that totally sends shivers up my spine; I mean help... Gyrating and grinding his hips onto the table I was sitting at.. M was there -_-

Oh yeah music that was in the background was [Don't ya wish ya girlfriend was hot like me - Pussycat dolls (i think)]

If you see me walking the road with someone else

2007-02-07T09:15:00.000+08:00

I saw this poem some time back, about half a year ago I think, it's an interesting sad piece that I've kept in my quotes file ever since :)

Just found it and thought it'll make a good addition to people who are all worried about their relationship with their respective boyfriends and girlfriends.

Aniwaes I shall begin.

If you see me walking the road with someone else
It's not because I like her company
Its because you're not brave enough to walk beside me.

If you hear me talking about her all the time
Its not because she pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat

If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because I love her
Because you're not there to catch me fall.

If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going.

Are we gonna cross each other's path.
Or just completely turn around?

Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound

Don't let me walk with her
It's you I want to walk with

Don't let me talk of her
It's you I want to talk with

Don't let me fall for her
It's you I want to fall in love with..

A truely interesting piece that I can't help but smile albeit sadly about. For those that know me, "Yes, it's complicated."

----------------------------------
Sad sad piece:
Stoned - Dido

Opening your Heart

2007-02-01T11:40:00.000+08:00

Opening your heart to people can be the hardest thing to do sometimes.

Especially after being hurt so many times before.
It's like that adage, "Once bitten, twice shy", whereby we as people are afraid of getting hurt again.

But when you think about it, is there any other way that one can meet people, make friends and socialize? Or dare I say it, find that special someone?

I've been VERY "Emo" these few days, feeling lonely and blue. It's kinda weird really, this sort of extreme feeling usually happens when it's near Gwen's anniversary during the September period but weirdly, it's happening now here in Febuary.

This leaves me wondering why am I feeling this way, perhaps it's just that I've not found the person(s) that I'm comfortable to talk to everything under the sun. I mean, I have some secrets I dun share with friends cos well.. Personally I'm afraid of some 'traitors' in their midst (sounds rather childish ain't it).

There are some stuff that's troubling me a lot lately regarding relationship issues (Oh wow, what else is new?) school (What ELSE is new?), work, money issues, religious issues and well family.

Va-da-boom.

What's more is that this feeling of loneliness i just can't seem to get rid of.

I've called some frens asking them out for a cuppa joe and so on but they're busy with their own stuff. Hahaha.. Can't be helped really, this world is like that, it invades our everything and it's hard to coordinate the time :)

Right at this moment as i'm typing this, I'm supposed to meet X for lunch but she just called me to say she can't make it cos her lecturer wants her to do some reports to be handed in the afternoon. I'm a bit disappointed hahahaa..

Devastated would be too strong cos I was supposed to meet her the day before but something came out too. The day before that I tried to meet my god-sisters but they were both busy too. It's like as more and more of the people that I wanna realli meet tell me that they can't make it, it kinda stacks up on you and well frankly i'm feeling rather 'sianed'.

Ah well... VID still stands as my sanctuary, it's just that I dun realli wanna talk about my problems there. It's like my happy place to let off steam, forget about troubles and yell as much as I want to :p

Oh yeah, sidepoint, I broke my glasses today.
Whee...

No title - I love this though :)

2007-01-29T12:36:00.000+08:00

Oh, you know
What to say
Say "I love you"
Oh, I think you've got to know right away
"Maybe me too"

You...
You are a nice cool breeze in me
I feel you blowing in
I can feel the sunlight all around me
You're shining...

I feel beautiful when I'm around you
I'm safe and comfortable
'cause you're wonderful
It feels natural to be around you
You've made it possible
You're wonderful..

Oh, can I
Can I tell you why
Why I need you
Oh, my life
You've made it a cloudless sky I can fly through

You...
You are a deep strong wind within me
I feel you - Come on in
Can you see the sunlight all around me
You're smiling...

I feel beautiful when I'm around you
I'm safe and comfortable
'cause you're wonderful
It feels natural to be around you
You've made it possible
You're wonderful..

Six Small Words - Endless Meanings

2007-01-29T08:24:00.000+08:00

When that special person says, "I like you" or "I love you" to me, my heart beats faster, I get short of breath and I feel.. all warm inside and... loved.

Cliche? Heh..

Sometimes I'm left wondering to myself, am I being like a girl? (No offence to girls in general) It's just that I get so easily moved by words alone. Why am I more easily affected by emotional things instead of being a guy and loving the physical?

Maybe R is right. I'm just an Emo person inside.

I have to admit that I do think of perverted stuff sometimes but oh please, dun really think that ALL I ever think about are perverted stuff or anything related to that. It's a partial mask I'm putting on.

Notice that I said 'partial mask'. Heh..

Sigh... Does love constitute the ideas of accepting that person for who he/she is? Does it allow one to love someone else without any hinderances? Does the idea of being accepted by family occur? Does the idea of being afraid of not being able to stay 'loyal' form? Does it consist of hurting people?

I say "Yes" to all these questions.

For is love not a risk? Personally, if one does not dare to try, there is nothing for one in the end. Heh.

I still feel that love consists of two people only. The rest are periphical (I'm very sure I spelt that wrongly)

I've placed myself on the tip of the cliff; I'm balancing on the edge of the 'blade'; I've taken the plunge countless times before; I've opened my heart for that risk for love.

Maybe it's time for all of us to do the same?
Perhaps it's too much to ask?

We each make our own decisions.

Writing Essays

2007-01-26T13:47:00.000+08:00

I found something out about writing essays, It's tough.

No matter what people say about how easy it is to write stuff (any writing at all), it is never what one would expect.

Unless you're ranting of course.

Other than that, whenever I recieve an assignment that requires me to write oodles and oodles of information that is 'relevant and concise' (like my lecturer always tells us) and prolly very very understandable, I kind of fail to comprehend these points.

They require me to think.

OMG. >:D

When I rant on the other hand, there's always something behind the rant, something that affected me really deeply or perhaps even to the extent of changing my life. However there is one thing that all my rants, posts and comments have in common. That is that of the idea of having enthusiasm.

Yes enthusiasm. Perhaps a little bit of 'being in it', excitement(?) or perhaps even heartfelt.

It's kinda hard to be suddenly given an assignment and told to write something. It's the idea of inspiration that is needed in order for me to succeed in what I am writing. I tend to write on a more personal basis and yes, my lecturers have told me to stop writing 'feel good' sentences. What they mean is that of me writing stuff that has no basis or even evidence but rather on personal 'fweelings' and not based on concrete evidence (Did i say that already?).

Why is this so?

I'm perhaps prefer to bring out to the reader a feeling that I am there conversing with him/her. I've been told that I've seemed to personalised my own writing style; instead of being aloof, detached or jus plain dis-sensitized to what I'm writing (Which, i must say, usually leads to me doing very badly for that piece of writing).

I wonder if everyone out there faces the same problem. I know that I am propably not a very good writer, just a medicore one who can't even use proper grammer or even spelling to type. Examples include that of 'u', 'ur' and so on.

I've seen a fren, C, who writes very very beautifully, I jus love to read her poems and writing style, kinda awakes the imagination (Btw i'm not speaking of Fantasy novels) but I digress.

Aniwaes, break's over.

Back to writing the damn essay.

--------

Song of the day:
Life's Like A Boat
Rie Fu

Reformated information + Death

2006-11-23T11:03:00.000+08:00

Looks like the story that's spreading around that my ex was telling pple some other info about our relationship breakup are now a case of miscommunication, apparently it's wat they heard and misinterpretated.

Jus for your information, rumours are rumours. Aniwaes she's happy ain't she? so stop telling me to go find her or her bf. I've nothing against them, nor am I wanting revenge of any sort. Sigh..

He might hate me but hey.. I don't hate him. And neither do I hate her. *shrug* I can talk to either of them at this point in time I suppose. Yeah it'll probably hurt but hey i've dealt with pain before (by hiding it behind a mask. I can always do it again)

Neither am I wishing that me and my ex are back together aniwae. I mean duh there's times where I miss her and of the times we shared but now... It's already over and it's no use pinning after the past as there is the future to consider. (Yes i've stopped going to her blog like 2-3 weeks back)

Somewhat related to this topic is well ------>

Death is like hanging outside my door all the time, any moment he might reach out and snuff my life with jus a twitch of his scythe, I can't very well sit behind and let him come and get me as and when he pleases.

I want to go out with like a final last line like "A BUS!"

But I know that it's not right to go around wishing for that :) It's unfair to the people around who care (Yes surprisingly, I know some who care and I know some who don't and are jus pretending. Hahaa..)

Death is more or less confirmed to happen. It's jus how we live our lives that matters; for no matter what we do in life, we come and go without bringing anything along with us on our final journey, we leave our material goods and most importantly memories to the people that we know.

Another aspect of death that i know is that I'll probably be with my God and well we're gonna have a really interesting conversation about the myriad sins I have (and still are doing. Hahaha..) done in my life.

Another New Development

2006-11-21T07:35:00.000+08:00

Well as my title says, I've recieved new information pertaining to some stuff happening at home.

It has come to my attention that my blog was leaked to my parents. Not realli that surprising, was already expected but it's creating a disillusion in me regarding the fact that only people I trust knew about my blog. And the idea that someone that I know and trust, told them. I guess i forgot to mention that my mom said someone told them but wouldn't say who it was.

Mucha gracias to the person who told them about it. I was given a good telling to, yesterday morning, and I'm not going to place it out here regarding what was said as it would be pretty "shameful" to do so.

Now at this point in time, most of you would be wondering if I would shut off my blog again or change the addy to something else. I'm not sure about this at this point in time, as i personally feel that that would mean that i'm running away from the situation (?)

I mean I wouldn't know wat to call it but yeah even if i move my blog, probably someone would tattle-tale again.

There are 2 ways of which i can see why someone would tell my parents.

The first is that of concern, being the romantic idealistic fool that I am, this might be the correct one. If it is, thank u for the "help" that you have provided in allowing me to hear scathing comments yesterday. It was so bloody helpful and thank you for your concern really, but I feel that this is not the way to help.

The second is that of simple animosity, whereby someone wants to hurt me or my family, and gets a kick/high out of it. Well all i have to say is that, have u heard of the term "My God is a righteous God"?

And now to wait for someone to spread the news.

Someone always tells, someone always does.

---------
Notes: Fixed some typo errors (1027)

The Field Trip Prologue

2006-11-14T10:39:00.000+08:00

Heh...

After this field trip, i'm having an amazing amount of information running into my system about the stuff happening to and about the peeps that I know in SIngapore.

First off, I jus found out that an ex (C) was attached to a guy and she was making advances on me when she was with him. Cough.

No comment there.

Second, I found out that my most recent ex (J) has been telling peeps that the reason for our breakup was due to me still liking C. Actually I found this out before my trip but hey I ddin't had the time to post this out.

Not realli a surprise there. Kinda suspected and expected her to tell people that as her side of the story.

I've already spoken of this before and that i've spoken to her about it, and told her that i was sure that J was the one, no longer C. However... She broke up with me in the end anyways and now that's her reason (at least wat's she telling people about).

Thank God I'm not getting weird looks from pple as yet but the whisperings are happening

Third, I have 2 handups for projects starting of next week. Whee...

Fourth, a fren's coming to singapore on the 20th-21st Jan next year and i've been booked. Lol

Fifth, my church's youth group is starting lots of things during the hols and my presence is requested (well by the youth aniwaes *grin*)

There's more but I dun have enough time to type them all out. That's all for now.

-------------------

Song of the day: How soon is now -Tatu-

My Turn to Burn

2006-11-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

Quick update:

I've been too busy packing to really find time to sit and think of what to write on my blog.

Something big happened within this week too :) that made me smile so much but that's for me to know for now :p

Aniwaes tml i'll be off to malaysia for the next 8 days, making my way back to sg next coming sunday after this tml's one.

Hopefully i'll survive the trip :) And from wat i know, my roomie for this trip's gonna be wearing his gore-tex boots and army clothing. As for me, i'll onli be bringing the army jacket.*shrug* he's jus probably trying to be irritating to the rest of those who went through army. *grin*

Aniwaes, see ya peeps in a week :)

Today is the 28th

2006-10-28T07:18:00.000+08:00

"Oh are u feeling sad? So sad... Is she sad? So sad loh... Are u feeling sad?"

Oh yeeess... I'm feeling blue now.

28th = supposedly the monthly aniversary.

Betcha she doesn't rememeber.

Another long day in the new life of Ben

2006-10-27T07:20:00.000+08:00

Walks alone.

Talks alone.

Laughs alone.

Smiles alone.

Sounds a bit like insanity.

BURN. All of you. Burn.

Weekly Updating

2006-10-26T07:40:00.000+08:00

I've been slacking a lot lately :)

But what's new aye?

Exam's on this coming Sunday + a workbook assignment is due on Monday. Sadly i'm not sure if I'll be ready for both. Heh...

On top of that, I'll be having a Malaysian field trip on the next Sunday (5th of Nov) to that of Thurs (17th of Nov). For 12 freaking days i'll be having the nightmare of my life (Singapore to Mersing to Kuantan to Taman Negara to Malacca to Singapore).

Place your bets on whether Ben will survive this trip :D

Oh and last night, I had a dream again; a sad bittersweet dream this time, tears, tears and tears on my pillow again *wry smile*

I think we all know who I was dreaming about this time :)

An old message to Taufik Takeshi

2006-10-25T14:40:00.000+08:00

I was rummaging through my old notepad pieces that I keep on my laptop (Yes I keep almost everything that I type :p) and I found this old reply (a few months back) to a fren who goes by the alias, Taufik Takeshi.

Heh.

Er dude,

I told u already. Hahaa
Honto ni... She's gonna be 18 this year :)

And ur next question to me will probably be "why?" and my answer is, "cos she loves me for me, not becos i sing like Paparoti.." *hums the tune*

Seriously :) She loves me for who I am and not for wat I will be in the future nor for a preconcieved image, not even wanting to change me into something that she wants me to be.

That makes sense? :D

This girl touches my heart in a way I have never felt before,, and jus thinking of her puts a warm glow in my soul.

And u know wat my soul has felt like these past few years. :D

Cheers!
Ben

Ah well.. Memories?

Absolutely.

------------

Song of the day: Hope You're Happy - Dashboard Confessional

Dreams + "Almost Obsession"

2006-10-25T07:37:00.000+08:00

Lately, i've been having some dreams that both scare me and make me feel at ease.

I've been dreaming of Gwen again.

She appears in my dreams telling me that everything will be alright and that it's not that bad after all. It scares me that after all these years, I still remember her scent, that smile and those eyes that still pierce my soul..

At the same time, I feel so comfortable that she's there in my dreams; when I wake, I'm not feeling down or out that she's no longer around, nor am I crying (unconciously or conciously) nor did I think of my ex.

Oh did I mention that I'm sleeping a lot lately just to see her in my dreams? However I still feel sleepy when I wake up :p

Ok so I do sometimes feeling lonely and wanting someone to give me a hug/cuddle before I sleep or when I wake up.

But that is only temporal; the urge is very strong to find someone to hug and to hold but, hell, doesn't everyone go through that? It's just up to oneself to control that urge I suppose. I wouldn't know cos I'm still grappling with that :)

A decade plus has passed since the last time I saw Gwen face-to-face and I know I will never see her again in this life.

But only in my dreams.

*Contented smile*

----------------------------------------

P.S. My laptop is still out of commision and i haven't brought it down for repairs :p

Laptop..woes

2006-10-19T07:57:00.000+08:00

I..absolutely..hate..typing..in..this..fashion..

However..my..laptop's..keypad..has..gone..screwy..on..me..and..the..
space..bar..and..number..buttons..dun..work

so..blog's..on..hold..for..now..

Zzzz..

Project Presentations, Field Trip, Musings of the Heart and an 'Old Fwen'

2006-10-15T07:26:00.000+08:00

Sorry peeps about yesterday's missing blog posts.

I had some bugger problems with the blogger so I gave up after it kept disappearing off my screen.

Aniwaes in short I did my presentation (one only) and well i wouldn't say it turned out totally the way I wanted it to but yeah it's over, people smiled and well I didn't get much questions except for "where are those shophouses that you removed??" and something along the lines of "your proposal is rather bold".

*Looks directly at his classmates and mutters "Burn".

Aniwaes, i'm now preparing for the field trip to Pulau Ubin, the land of bicycles and old taxis. Sadly my leg isn't totally ready for the bicycle ride as yet but hell if no one is able to join me on a 2-person bicycle, watch me go on my single one.

*Looks directly at the ashes of his classmates and mutters "Burn".

Saw her blog again but I think i'm getting partially down and rather numbed instead of feeling mind-encompassing despair. Most of me is just wishing her all the best and I truely hope that it'll work out between her and him.

Oh shut ya gap. Ben's not laying down and giving up. At least not giving up total hope that she'll change her mind.

But again, my door is shutting; I'm forcing it shut bit by bit, day by day, month by month, year by year, no matter how long it takes.

In truth, it's kinda hard to say what's really going on in my head really. It does hurt thinking about it but it's like in a corner of my mind whimpering and quietly screaming.

Iit's like that Vincent Van Gogh's painting, "The Scream" (OR should I say actually done by another artist known as Edvard Munch. Click link to see)

Just so tired.

So verily verily tired.

P.S. Btw a fren of mine, A, just suddenly appeared online lately which i was rather surprised ;) She's joined me in my campaign to burn things too as she also broke up with her bf whom was hideously insensitive and a jerk to boot.

Been quite a while since I've talked to her and was as usual mind-engaging conversation punctuated with random yellings of "BURN! BURN THEM ALL!". Hopefully by the end of the year i'll be able to meet her face to face when she drops by for holidays or vice versa.

Cheers to u, A! And all the best for ya A levels (Opps! Did I say too much?) :D

------

Song of the morning; Will you dance -Angela Aki
Courtesy of A (I really must get her CD)

Conversation

2006-10-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

M:
anyway.....things happen in life for reasons....and only god knows what we dont......

B:
but soemtimes i wish He would stop doing that and jus tell us wat's going on

M: .....
yes...more fun ah.....then we can make beter choices before we could even made mistake n then we wont learn in the end of the day....lol

Interesting. I wonder if God's listening to this conversation :p

Cheers M! You're now famous.

But i know so many 'M's
Here's a hint: This M is a lady.
Prize to the first one who guesses (M is banned from this contest)

Spasms

2006-10-13T22:43:00.000+08:00

Spasms are plaguing me leg. Kinda funny in a way.

But i should be back to normal by Sun. Cos i'm forcing myself to move around a lot. Aniwaes once i'm alright again, it'll give me more chances to run around and find sharp objects to poke myself with. That'll be so cool@!

OK i'm acting insane.

But wat's happening now is that i'm done with my project.

I mean I can't be bothered with it right now or tml. Worrying point is that "hey it's soooo weird? I'm the one who stoned out from sat to tues, got injured on tues, started work on wed, slept at 11 (I think) finished project 1 on thurs, print, hand up, started work next day on 2nd project (that's today) and i've finished at 9ish or so."

AND my classmates are still rushing.

AND some aren't sleeping tonight.

Wierd stuff; of course i'm feeling worried but hey I can't be bothered.

Oh yes, on sunday i have a field trip to Pulau Ubin where I will probably fall and hurt my hip again.

Heh.

There I go agaon

2006-10-13T09:37:00.000+08:00

Omigawd! I did the same shit again.

One of these days, when I go to her blog, I will probably be able to look at the writings she did without feeling sad or angry with myself, and that will be the day that I know I'm on my road to recovery.

Or so they say.

Man... I love that line.

Aniwaes, as usual it hurts but I've kinda shut off that part of my mind and heart for the time being. It's numbed. It's in a coma. It's in cyro-sleep. It's waiting for the right time to get out.

Still the only problem is the nights; Woke up this morning with drying tears on my face, which was kinda interesting in a sadistic way. From a 3rd person perspective, I know it's my body's way of dealing with the hurt that I'm not showing during the daytime.

Thoughts next run through my mind as I sat on my bed..

I know I will get through this. I don't need people to tell me since I will. I also know it deep inside that I dun give a shit about everything now.

It happens and it'll happen again perhaps, maybe, whoknows. I'm not going to let all these shit get me down in my life; I might be sad, I might change for worse or better, I might remain the same, I might become full of anger, but hell that I'm gonna let the things in the world get me down.

I say "Screw this shit. I dun give a rat's ass. And hell if I'm letting it get me down"

Wat was that song?
"I get knocked down but I get up again... I'm not gonna let it get me down!"

In a way u can say that line from the teachings of Christianity; God will never give you anything that you cannot handle or something like that.

Then I wipe my drying tears off and place on my mask for the day.
The only indication of my inner side is from my smile.

My sad, twisted, wry smile.

Song of the Morning: Fix You - Coldplay

Being a Christian

2006-10-12T20:05:00.000+08:00

I was reading a fren's post regarding Christians in general.

Well what he says regarding Christians are kinda true. We are the most problematic, griping and full of issues.

We sin everyday. Even though we are Christians.

I had an interesting talk with another fren some time back. I was commenting on the tourists from China whom i spotted letting their son take a swim in the Esplanade's reflecting pool. They did not yell at him to get out or even tell him that it was wrong.

Guess what?

They were cheering him on.

BTw he splashed water over the edges to where people were sitting and one of them who got both himself and his drawings wet was me. I was quite pissed off naturally. U know how touchy I can be regarding my drawings. Heh.

And No they were NOT apologetic. >:D

So i wished that the little bugger would jus fall through the glass seperating him from the carpark below.

Shocking?

My fren was very shocked to hear that coming from me, a Christian, and he was rather flabbergasted that i dare to suggest or even wish for such a thing.

U know after that incident, I was wondering to myself whether what I did was unchristian-like and in the end, I discovered that I wasn't being unchristian-like but rather I was being human.

Yes I was being human.

And i called him up on that same day and told him that I give in to my human desires too, that's why i'm a Christian; to learn how to be like my God, perfect, pristine and all forgiving.

That's the basis of being a Christian, for me, to be more like God.

Not that I already am supposed to be perfect but rather the opposite; because I am imperfect.

----------------
Footnotes:

Why am I bringing this up today?

I got a sms from a fren who told me

"Ben why are you so angry? So full of anger, hurt and pain? Aren't you a Christian? Shouldn't you, like, forgive and forget?"

I wish I could. God knows i'm trying to. But it's so tough to let go.

Especially when one is still full of pain, anger and hurt.

It's a vicious cycle.

Song of the night: What's the World Come To - Zak Belica

Wondering too much can get a person killed

2006-10-12T08:54:00.000+08:00

I hate the fact that I still haunt her blog. Saw the newest post. Gut-wrenching, twisting pain.

Sometimes deep inside, I wonder if she truely still cares for me.

When i was injured (yeah i got in an accident recently, like 2 days ago. *shrug*), she asked me how was I, and should take care of myself. Other then that, there's no sense of affection, it's like going through the motions. It's not as if she's gonna call or run by my place (Fat hope i know >:D)

And buzzing me on msn asking if I knew how to fix a heart pendant that I gave her long ago and of that she wants to keep it. It's like mixed sort of feeling given, hot-cold-hot-cold, u know wat i mean?

And I take a deep breath and let it all out.

It burns as usual.

I want to cry my heart out once more.

But I can't.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not ever.

Gossip

2006-10-12T07:51:00.000+08:00

Since i'm on the topic of being insensitive, i might as well let it all out right now.

I hate it when people gossip about me.

Yes you heard it. I absolutely hate gossip about me. Growing up in a family that's well-known within the circle of church go-ers is one of the shittiest things that has happened to me.

Why?

Simple. Everyone thinks ur life is the next big important thing and somehow every move u make there are consequences. For example, let's use the most recent case. A member talked to my mom regarding my relationship saying that he saw me and XXXXXX a few months back on last Sun (that's 2 days after the breakup)

Mom flares up. She doesn'tbelieve that I should have a girlfriend until I get to the stage where I can put my shoes on the correct feet (I'm being sarcastic). Aniwaes so she gets all angered and rants, and my sis stepped in saying something along the lines of "Er they just broke up"

She keeps really quiet and is trying to be really nice to me right now.

Along the lines of gossip comes the seeds of dissension.

"Oh u know I saw Benjamin outside with so-and-so eh and they were holding hands."

Here's another, happened quite a while back, which i found pretty hilarious, "Oh look at A, sleeping on Ben's shoulder in church. Are they together?" *whisper whisper*

It jus so happened that A fell asleep lah and she's my "little sister" so woah why are u jumping to conclusions. BTW the next sunday after that I was asked directly whether I was with A, "WAh sOooOo gUd ah got cuuute gUrllfRen" (I'm making fun of them, they're adults btw) and furthermore i discovered that seems like the entire chruch thinks it's true. Oh another thing, A was horrified when she found out.

*rolls eyes*

I mean seriously "Don't u guys have anything else better to do?"

-------------

Song of the morning: Hope You're Happy - Dashboard Confessional
(Thanks to G.J for recommending this song)

-------------

P.S Aniwaes there's more to this gossip thing that i'm peeved off about but that's for another day.

Talk to the Hand

2006-10-12T07:35:00.000+08:00

After yesterday's rather angsty post and simmering anger inside, I'm feeling a bit shamed for losing my temper like that. Hahahaa.

Here's an example of one message that got on my nerves
"Oh are u feeling sad? So sad... Is she sad? So sad loh... Are u feeling sad?"

I mean wat the hell. -_-

Did I mention that this person is like over 22? =_=
I sometimes wonder about the mentality of people around me sometimes. Heh.

That was kinda the start of a few hours worth of msn messages + sms from well, older friends who apparently sympathize with me but aren't er really knowing that they aren't sympathizing but actually making me feel worse.

Aye. I mean I already know i'm distraught and sad about it already. Come'n! Tell me something I didn't know about, like "oh look I saw her and this guy outside today, man they were so happy, how come u weren't there ah?"

In fact, that's at least ignorance on your part and well I can't fault u for being ignorant :) But when u messsage me saying "Oh are u feeling sad? So sad... Is she sad? So sad loh... Are u feeling sad?". That line would equate me to going "Oh shove it. Cut ur bullcrap."

Woah there. Don't get me wrong. Concern is alright with me but somehow that line makes it seem so patronizing, you get what I mean?

It makes it seem as if my life is like a daily reporter's heaven; imagine someone running up to u at a dark point in your life (where your're feeling that you're gonna kill yourself any minute) and shoving a voice recorder in your face and saying, "What are u feeling in regards to this situation? Will you be taking steps? What will you have to say about this? Are you pissed off? Why? Do you think there's a motive?"

I mean hey that's bloody insensitive.

Now i'm starting to do this.

*Raises palm face out*

Talk to the hand.

Let me get this straight with you peeps

2006-10-11T16:51:00.000+08:00

Some of you do not apparently understand why I'm seemingly not doing anything to get her back.

Here's the ans in BOLD, ITALICS and CAPITALIZED.

SHE.

IS.

ATTACHED.

AND.

HAPPY.

Or so she says.

I never believe in destroying someone's percieved happiness, especially when they are special people to me (even tho they might have broken my heart)

And another thing.

I.

DON'T.

WANT.

YOUR.

CRAPPING.

PITY.

Now get out of my face if you're gonna do that.

Coming to Grips with everything

2006-10-11T09:04:00.000+08:00

I'm in Phrase 1 of a breakup: That is to become so numbed that my body jus stops functioning and jus keeps screaming inside, "Why? Didn't u say u love me" (U know the type u see on tv where the drunk guy starts making a scene at a bar) and start to relive old memories inside the cranium.

This is so cool.

Pushing forward into Phrase 2 is a killer tho. I'm trying to let my body to move but I'm not sure if its ready yet. I would say i'm partway through now. At least i stopped yelling at myself for being such an idiot and fool for not being there for her. I'm more or less coming in terms with the idea that hey damnit, it's her heart that changed, not mine own.

I would say phrase 2 is the hardest and most difficult part to achieve as one has to come to terms with the well overall situation; that she's gone, she may or may not come back, she's happy and well basically that I suck.

OK so i was kinda lying when i said i was making my way to Phrase 2.

Aniwaes there's a part in phrase 2 where i have to come to the idea that I might be seeing him in church pretty soon. Or even outside in public. And that's where i can look at them holding hands and etc without wanting to walk away or give excuses to like move somewhere else. At this point in time, the tears would have stopped.

Phrase 3 is the next stage whereby one will find a way to move on. This be an interesting part. You see, some people find solace in drinking, wenching, running, walking or being an asshole and so on. It really depends on the person as to what this stage may lead one to do is totally random. He might even decide to inflict pain on himself too which is kinda fascinating for me.

This phrase usually lasts for a random amount of time too, ranging from days to months to years. Interesting how the human mind copes with the hurt, pain, betrayal and rejection; animals just cope (well most of them).

Aniwaes i've been having suicidal thoughts for so long and so much that hey i've lost track, mayhaps was around 10-11ish or so where it began? Well i'm still here, currently 23 (that's like 12 years or so), balancing on the brink and on that thin thin line. Actually I would say i'm right on the very edge of that path, tempting to jus walk off.

Speaking of being 23, I'm still as "emo" as ever (If i actually fit that term) and well, the youth in my church keeps thinking that being older equates to being wiser. That's not true. I mean look at me. :)

Man I love self-critques and self-commentary.
I'm sick.

Best Sad Song of the Day: My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne

That's Why You Go Away

2006-10-11T07:53:00.000+08:00

That's Why You Go Away

Baby won't you tell me why
There is sadness in your eyes
I don't wanna say 'goodbye' to you
Love is one big illusion
I should try to forget

But there's something left in my head
You're the one who set it up
And you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you wanted to forget every little thing you said
But there's something left in my head

I won't forget the way your kiss is
The feeling so strong
We'll last for so long
But I'm not the man
Your heart is missing
That's why you go away, I know

You were never satisfied
No matter how i tried
Now you wanna say 'goodbye' to me
Love is one big illusion
I should try to forget
But there's something left in my head

I won't forget the way your kiss is
The feeling so strong
We'll last for so long
But I'm not the man
Your heart is missing
That's why you go away, I know

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don't know which way to go
There ain't so much to say now between us
There ain't so much for you
There ain't so much for me anymore

I won't forget the way your kiss is
The feeling so strong
We'll last for so long
But I'm not the man
Your heart is missing
That's why you go away, I know

Gah Words Words Words...

2006-10-11T00:42:00.000+08:00

I find myself visiting her blog and reading her past posts...

This was.. ow..

"despite his busy schedule n chiong-in of projects n sch work...he still find time to come n see me...i feel sooo pampered la =D....soon will be our 16th monthsary...=))"

Oh well.

Guess that serves me right for being itchy fingered to go peek at past posts

The Long Night

2006-10-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

Nights are always the most shitty things after a relationship breakups. This also applies to deaths.

They can last for so long, feeling like hours upon hours upon hours when in fact only like 2 hours have jus passed. These long nights can even sometimes continue on even a few years after.

and the worst part?

U can't stop your dreams from happening.

Yeah u heard me. Dreams. Not nightmares. The dreams are the worst.

The happy times are running through your head when u sleep and when u wake up, the sheets are damp with your unconcious tears and wat's more, ur still crying and hurting and u remember the memories, and that that person is no longer there.

The part that is me, the inner self, the inner soul has stepped forward this time to take over. He steps out into the limelight and says,

"Huzzah! Hear ye hear ye! I hereby declare by royal decree His Royal Majesty's wishes upon u all (that's the parts of me that are not of the inner self). He has noted the blue funk that thou all art going through, especially the brain and the heart. The anguish that thou feels must be stopped for the time being. I hereby banish thy anger, betrayal, hurt, angst and so on to another dimension... UNTIL the next week comes to pass. For then, thou wilt be able to break down again with my blessings. Long live his Majesty the KING!"

And thus the revolution begins with the heart and brain as the main coup de'tat leaders... Or so they say.

Aniwaes it's hard to do this freaking "shutoff / shunt-to-one-side mode" when the nights are there. If only one can switch off the unconcious feelings deep inside one's thoughts. For then, one would be able to find peace.

Or IF there was something called selective memory wipes, that'll be good too.

Prozac.. Prozac.. Prozac.. Prozac.. Prozac! Huzzah!

Oh Lord. may Thou grant Thy servant but a little of Thine grace and peace.

Amen.

Painkillers

2006-10-10T21:47:00.000+08:00

Guess wat?

I've got painkillers now!

THey dun really work tho :D

Song of the night: Run - Snow Patrol

Sealed shut

2006-10-10T12:44:00.000+08:00

Your lips sealed forever
Shatters my broken heart.
When do you plan to let out a sound
From your dying vocal chords
Lively enough to sing for the heavens
But mute to deafen these hungry ears?
I would stay and linger
Waiting by closed doors
For when you plan to lead me to them
As I falter on the stage
Singing sonnets dedicated to you
When I know that you can never hear.
Your fame will burn down
And soon you will crash;
But when no one else will worship you,
Even without your crown,
I'll still be there to listen
Even if I know you'll never listen to mine.

[From another blog which i can't recall the link]

Closure

2006-10-10T09:59:00.000+08:00

Heh. Proper Closure this time.

Of sorts.

Yesterday spoke about it with her on the phone. As usual the pain was excruciating and well jus had to let it flow through me; Putting a smile in my speech was kinda bittersweet really.

Aniwaes, we talked about the entire thing. It was a matter of circumstances in fact, from what I have understood in the conversation.

She felt that I was neglecting her cos I was always bringing her out to study, study, study. And at nights I have to go classes and she feels neglected. Whenever something happens to her, I'm not there. And in one instance when she gave me something, I seemed disinterested (This I have nothing to say in my defence, it's my fault; but that it happened only once and I was pretty preoccupied at that point in time. But yeah it doesn't stand much in my defence).

Btw these are all quotes (not perfect, totally word for word of course)

This sucks really.

I mean I have asked her if she was really sure she wanted to study and all that. But hey she wanted to and even tho I keep asking I dun get to know the true feelings behind the words.

Bah in short, whatever that I ask her like "what's bothering you" and others. I know that she's disturbed and all that but she never tells me anithing, no matter how much I ask. I usually get the "I'll tell u one day" line. Why she did that? "I don't want to add on to your burdens"

Oh shove it peeps. Dun start on her.

Some of my frens know that I've told her quite a number of times that as a boyfriend and a friend, no matter wat my personal burdens are, I'm always willing to listen and to try to help solve the issues. After all, her problems are my problems and my problems are hers, I mean when you get together, you are one heart, one soul and well.. This hurts.

Yeah aniwaes, she went to this guy whenever she had a problem or something happened. Surprisingly the guy hates me; he says I didn't treat her right. OK i admit, I hated him too, but for like 5 secs. *shrug*

I'm shocked (actually that's a very mild word i'm using) but well it does seem that way from one perspective. I mean I dunno if he knows about wat actually happened as in that I never get to know anything from her and she wasn't forthcoming. I mean she might have told him about her problems and everything but I dun think he knows of my circumstances and etc that I spoke of in previous posts.

But yeah, after years of such things happening to me whereby people dislike me just cos of miscommunication, rumours and so on. It's not really bothering me.

Like real. It bothers me duh. Just trying not to let it get to me.

"He held my hand and [lo and behold we are now boyfriend-girlfriend]"

Ouch. That reminded me of the the other previous M-guy incident.Btw the [ ] words are my own when I first heard about it from her.

I'm not dissing or getting mad at anyone about that hold hand thing but rationally there's no logic in that I feel. I mean does this mean if I grab her hand next time again, that means i'm her boyfriend now? Ok perhaps I dun understand the exact feelings that run through the brain when someone holds ur hand. Maybe I've misintepretated the "hand" incident.

Bah in summary is that well i feel that I didn't get a chance to salvage the relationship in the first place. It's kinda sad in a way, no chance to do anything at all. What's more, when I was having trouble with my feelings for my ex and her sometime back, I talked to her about it and agreed to take some time off to think about it carefully.

I mean I talked to her about it and she didn't even give me that.

My door is still open for her but it's slowly closing. Why? I'm still hoping that it might work out. But I can't wait indefinately. One day it'll close.

Tight.

I found out something too. A bit of sardonic irony or some pple may call it. Poetic Justice. The heart pendant I gave to her long ago snapped/broke. I was like... "This really reflects something" and I watched myself sniffle/sob after I found out about it.

It's kinda weird that a part of me can stand apart and watch on with dispassionate eyes. A 3rd person perspective of myself. I suspect it's a part of me that's sealed itself off from the rest of everything? An unconcious need to protect the part of me that's me. My barriers to my inner self, my inner soul are back up and it's... so... so... sad?

Burned? Yeah once more.

God i'm feeling so miserable

Best song for the day for me: Taking over me - Evanescence

Ponderings

2006-10-09T08:04:00.000+08:00

Seriously, i dunno why i'm doing this.
No one comes to this blog to read anyways.

I suppose it's more like I need to talk it out to myself in a way regarding my entire situation.. Especially with anonymonity.

Why am I mopping over this thing, that's wat I ask myself for the past few days, every hour, every min it just keeps running through my head.

Why do I just suddenly break down? I don't really know why. Have been told that it's natural.. it's the sense of pain and deep deep despair that is finding its own way to heal.

I suddenly remembered a quote I once told her when she broke up with her previous bf:
"Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you. "

As i thought about it, I sardonically laugh at myself:
"What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?"

Cynicism and sarcasm do not really help at this point in time.

Heart hurts but that's usual, I'm not going to repeat all that stuff about how bad it hurts and how much I hate God at this time, I'm sure I, myself, knows how deep the hurt and betrayal is.

She smiles, she laughs, she picks up the phone, "Hi~ ok i'm coming" or something like that.
She says on her blog, "New chapter begins ;)"

Heh.

B was telling me this,
"She might have placed the dagger and twisted it deep in your old wound, but it's all up to u to reach for it and drag it out. Bit-by-bit? Or all at one go. It's your call my friend"

What's that line again?

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go"

I guess I now know how it feels to really go through this.

Experience?
It's not an experience i would care to go through again.

I've been told countless times that "hey man, ur letting them off so easily? Aren't u mad or something? Don't ya wanna go break him? U scared of him or something?"

Oh yeah, did i mention he's pretty big sized, maybe that's why they say that last line to me.

I never called myself a big time boxer or big time gangster but i've been in fights before (albeit not those that I had or wanted to be in, all were due to circumstances) and it's not as if I don't know the dirty way of fighting. When I go all out, it doesn't matter how I do it, it's the ending that counts.

However, it's crass and not within my own code of honour to do such things, no matter how much I want to. I'm not sure if i've spoken of my own personal code of honour which actually helps keep me sane in this constantly shifting ideological and materialistic world, but that's for another day.

Twisted sense of honour I have really. I do dirty fighting if I have to yet I won't go find this guy.

As I was saying, my own code keeps me from going to find that guy. I have had thoughts like that for a while. If anything, I shouldn't really blame him. The one that actually matters is her. And in a previous post, I said I can't hate her, even after the pain she caused and is still causing.

Still stands true in fact.

Somehow I think she knows that I wouldn't do anything cos I've spoken of this code to her before. She probably forgot about it already I guess.

Does it matter now?
I don't think it does really.
Though I wish someone would cure this pain.

Best Song for the Day for me: Too much to Ask - Avril Lavigne

Hate her?

2006-10-07T16:06:00.000+08:00

Why would i hate her?

I'm tired.. bone-weary.. no energy...

I've heard so much of this line.. that i've already been hearing this so many times already that i'm.. i can't think.. i can't see why would i even hate her?

Wat's that for?
I love her.

But as we all know, people change. Looks like this has happened earlier, and it's much better that it did.

OR so they say.

I'm currently wallowing in self-denial and this hurts so bad that well i'm tired.

Giving my heart again and again to people jus doesn't seem to work anymore in this world.. Falling deeper in love is bad perhaps? As one would never know if the "feelings [will] fade" after some time.

She's still young they say, it's a natural process they say, give her some time to think it through they say..

Did u neglect her they say?

Well i've been rushing projects and everything else so yes probably.. But I've promised that i would bring her out to where she wants to go in the future. I'll save money to get us rings.. I'll do this and do that.. etc

Then she goes to this other guy.. Alright, nice guy and all, who is able to spend time with her. I woudn';t know whether it's cos she goes to his workplace and chat, that's why they got so close.. (Love by association anyone? Maybe they do really like each other? I suppose i'll never know as Love is such an elusive beast to describe.)

I know the guy, i also know his background.. And it hurts that they know each other for a short while and then the "feelings fade", somehow i feel a sense of anger and betrayal.

But why would i hate her or him?

I hate myself for not being strong enough and to be able to show her that i care so much and that i wasn't there for her...

Self-pity and self-denial do not make good studying material or good facial. expressions.

"Feelings Fade..."

2006-10-07T11:27:00.000+08:00

"Feeling fade.. it do hurts alot i noe..Dun waste time on me..Hate me as much as u want.."

The fated words have been spoken and my heart shattered once again..

Is this my fate?

What is wrong with me? Am I that boring? Uninteresting? How is it that I can lose out to another guy whom a girlfriend has associated with for like such a sort time?

Like i said in my previous post. THis is not the first time this has happened to a relationship. And somehow or another, most have left me due to another guy whom they associate with a lot in the last couple of weeks of our relationship.

Is there something wrong with the way i do things?

They all say that it's nothing to do with me... But i realli wonder sometimes if it is..

Heartache

2006-10-07T08:16:00.000+08:00

My heart's in half once more...

My girlfriend has broken up with me suddenly... for a reason that she hasn;t told me..
This sounds realli familiar tho... most of my girlfrens have broken up with me and i've been sad and moved on..

But this girl is different..

After my problems a few months back with my ex and her.. My heart has been more or less settled within about who I cannot live without and whether of not i can go through life without that person by my side..

It's her.

I wonder if it's because of something i did. Did i say something about my ex that made her decide upon this path?

Could i have inevitably caused my own downfall by wat happened a few months back? Could i have lost her trust? That's why she's deciding that it's not worthwhile to continue this relationship?

“Sorry to tell you this.. but somehow we got to face it. Let’s end everythings here. Jus put a dot to our relationship”

This hurts.. Of course it does..

I don’t want to end everything jus like that… I still want her as my future wife.. There’s no one else I’ll rather have at my side.. She’s special to me… So very special.. Maybe I dun say it or show it enough.. but she can make me smile even on my darkest days and even make me feel better just by being there to support me..

Somehow I feel so lost and bewildered.. this is too abrupt.. she was smiling and joking with me yesterday and 2 days previously.. and suddenly I’m getting the cold shoulder when I call and sms.. and then I’m told that she wants a breakup.

I was an idiot to keep dialing her number yesterday but I was so worried about her.. (This was before I knew that she wanted a breakup) Plus I had a really bad feeling that something was wrong but she just didn’t want to say..

“I’m playing pool with my frens.. I’ll call u back later when I get back”

I have to say I was kinda irritated cos she didn’t tell me but I squished that feeling.

I was sick too and forcing myself to stay awake to await her call.. and I jus kept waiting and waiting.. She did that to me once.. jus waiting for my phone call saying that I’m home safely..

“I’m chatting with my fren on the phone.. I’ll call u back..”

At this point I was getting rather worried and even more irritated.. But I squished it again..

I called when it was getting really late like around 1145pm or so and I got cut off.. Same thing happened the 2^nd time.. and for the 3^rd. then I got the message..

“Sorry to tell you this.. but somehow we got to face it. Let’s end everythings here. Jus put a dot to our relationship”

God.. It hurts… I don’t even understand what’s happening and I have no one to turn to. None of the frens I have are those sort that can be turned to in such a time.. She has becomed the only one that I confide with.. the one I can open up to and the one I want to share my life with.. No matter good or bad..

No one has even managed to make me open up so much and so openly.. and now I am faced with the question: “Can I live without her in my life?”

I can’t.

My heart has been aching this entire night and still is.. And I feel so empty when I think of her not being by my side.. And it hurts even much much more.. I’ve soul-searched the entire night trying to figure out what did I do wrong and how can I salvage it if I did something wrong..

“Dun cry.. Not ur fault.. is I let u down.. I din manage to fulfil my promises to u.. I noe sorry doesn’t help it.. Bt.. Sorry”

WHAT IS NOT MY FAULT?? Wat’s going on??

What is she thinking in her head? Did she do something that she feels is too much? Or that she jus can’t bear to carry on with me? I’m wondering if this is going through the same thing as with my previous girlfrens.. Did she find someone new? Is there someone else in her life? I did think of this for around 5 mins or so..

Then I thought “I trust her” and I squished that previous thought.

What can I say at this point in time?

Nothing really.

Just that I really love and miss her.

Murder

2006-09-01T10:52:00.000+08:00

He sat under a tree.

Shaded by the harsh afternoon sun, he contemplated the path ahead of him which split into two. Both roads led to differing destinations; he knew one would never be visited, there was no turning back.

He sat under a tree.

The shadows grew, the light fades..

He sat under a tree.

A comely woman, pale like a sword blade, watches with cold blue eyes and an arch smile; wearing a crown of thorns and dripping blood from her hands, beckons from the smooth lighted path of the right.

He starts, rubs his eyes and looks again.

“Shadows, I must be dreaming”

He sat under a tree.

Visions flew by, countless numbers of dreams and nightmares, past regrets and past pain. He feels a drop of sweat run down his brow; concentrating, he doesn’t hear steps coming from behind…

He sat under a tree.

A woman with a sad sad smile stands on the left, with pain in her eyes… he remembers

…

Blood flows towards the path on the left.

A letter from Julie

2006-08-07T13:52:00.000+08:00

A Tribute to Julie Su HuiFang

hey... it's over.

I remembered something that Julie once told me.

"Ben, always do the right thing."

I've decided.

Why did i remember that? cos.. i've got a letter from her.
"To be opened 8 months after my death"

The right thing is to stay.

Alive.

To love someone who will love u back, giving time and energy and be willing to sacrifice all that for the person.

Her words:

"to be loved is the sweetest thing imaginable"